Tween Literature Tuesday presents: Sweet Valley High "Double Love" (not a porno)

This recap was a long one because there was actually a lot more going on in this book than I remember. So if you need a bathroom break, now is the time. I'll wait.

Welcome back.

What I remembered about this book from long ago: Jessica and Elizabeth are beautiful and they go to a school full of beautiful people (none as beautiful as them, though). Elizabeth is the sweet one and Jessica is mischievous and impetuous. They like the same guy and there’s some kind of identity mix-up so he ends up pursuing the wrong twin. Also maybe their dad was having an affair?

What I know having re-read it: Jessica is an awful person and might have borderline personality disorder. Elizabeth is less annoying than I recall, but mostly she’s a total doormat. Jessica seriously needs her weave snatched. And this book needs more Lila.

So, we start with Jessica being devastated at how ugly she is and despairing that she has nothing to wear. Neither of these is true, it is just an excuse for the book to tell us how gorgeous and trim and perfect the twins actually are (sparkling blue green eyes? check. sun-streaked blonde hair? check. size-six figures? check). Why is today so important? Because she today she is finding out whether or not she and Liz got into Pi Beta Alpha, the most EXCLUSIVE sorority on campus. Is Francine Pascal high or am I? Are high school sororities a thing? Is there hazing? WHERE IS THE SWEET VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL BOARD?

Here’s a fun drinking game: take a shot whenever the words sun-kissed or sun-streaked are mentioned. Congratulations! You have died of alcohol poisoning!

Elizabeth decides rather than walking out on her sister’s tantrum, to lend her an entire new outfit that she was planning to wear. It was a tuxedo shirt, pants and bow tie. While she’s fetching it, Todd Wilkins, handsome brunette basketball player, calls for Liz, but Jessica answers. Because Todd is just irresistible, she makes some shit up about Liz taking an endless shower and always having some boy on her arm. Since they all go to the same high school, you’d think Todd could either confirm this or say “That doesn’t sound quite right”, but he doesn’t. He rings off, dejected and Jessica tells Liz that he was just calling to wish her luck with the HIGH SCHOOL SORORITY. Liz is crushed because She! Is in love! With Todd! “Who could possibly compete with the dazzling Jessica Wakefield?” she thinks. Since it definitely couldn’t be the girl with the exact same DNA, they head to school. There is a whole thing where Jessica wails, bursts into tears, rages at Elizabeth and then gives her a hug to steal the car keys when their mom tells her that she can’t drive the car. Jessica may be a sociopath. Oh, and Elizabeth’s best friend Enid Rollins is excited because some guy named Ronnie asked her to the sorority/fraternity dance. At the high school.

There was indeed hazing for Pi Beta Alpha, but it was pretty tame. The main one mentioned is that Elizabeth had to order a pizza to be delivered to Mr. Russo’s chemistry class “the most brilliant, and demanding teacher at SVH, with a biting sense of humor”. (Is it weird to say that now that I’m an old I kind of have a crush on Mr. Russo? Our celebrity name would be Ca-Russo.) Liz didn’t want to, so Jess called it in and used Elizabeth’s name. They both get into the sorority. As does Enid, who only pledged to keep Elizabeth company.

Elizabeth is supposed to meet Todd after school, but when she gets to the courtyard she sees him driving off with Jessica instead. Apparently Jessica told him that Elizabeth ditched him for a date. Admittedly a bitch move, but once again, does Todd EVER consider asking Elizabeth in the hallways or something? He doesn’t pay Jessica enough attention, though so she accepts a date from high school drop out/troublemaker/guaranteed to date rape someone at some point in time Rick Andover.

He takes her on a date to a seedy bar where no one I.D.s. Then gets super handsy and starts a brawl. When the police arrive to bust it up the officer mistakes Jessica for Elizabeth and agrees not to take her to jail because he believes in second chances. Neighborhood gossip and bitchy redhead Caroline Pierce overhears him calling her Elizabeth and quickly spreads the word and… is this gossip-worthy? That someone was at a bar and didn’t want to be? Apparently it’s news in Sweet Valley. Todd hears the rumors too and is devastated that noble, kind, sweet Elizabeth would dare to be taken to a bar. Jessica makes a half-assed attempt to tell him that it was her, but when he clearly says that he thinks she’s taking the blame to be noble, she doesn’t correct him. He asks her to the HIGH SCHOOL SORORITY/FRATERNITY DANCE.

Super hot, super rapey Bruce Patman sleazily asks Elizabeth to the dance, but she instead says she’s going with class clown/nerd Winston Eggbert.

Of course at the dance Todd and Elizabeth are making moon eyes at each other, Jessica is working herself into a thick fog of pissed mist and Winston is being an understanding shoulder to lean on for the most part, though he is the voice of Francine Pascal’s fat-phobia in this book:

“Want to know the sort of girl people fix me up with?” he asked. “It goes like this: ‘Win, have I got a girl for you! What a personality!’ That always means two hundred and fifty pounds and two-foot-five!” I have to put her hamburger on the floor so she can reach it.”

“But, Win,” Elizabeth said, laughing, “Looks aren’t everything.”

She said to her pity date while swooning over the handsome athlete.

Anyhoozle, after the dance Jessica is furious that Todd just kissed her goodnight on the forehead. So what does she do to feel better? Journal? Have a good cry? Go out dancing with her girlfriends? Nope. She goes upstairs crying to her sister and makes up a story that he tried to rape her. You know, like balanced, emotionally stable people do.

So now Elizabeth hates Todd and Todd doesn’t know why Liz is being such a dick to him. One day as she and Jessica are driving home from school they are cut off by Rick Andover (remember him?) who jumps into their car and starts driving them back to the seedy bar (Kelly’s) drunk and rambling. The twins are panicking because this time they’ll for sure go to jail. These effing girls. Accuse someone of attempted rape because you’re kind of embarrassed that they didn’t respond to you? Sure. Let some people know that you are legitimately being kidnapped? Nah.

"I'm gonna get grounded!"

But Todd swoops in and saves them, he and Elizabeth make up, they get revenge on Jessica by letting the school throw her in the pool thinking that she is Elizabeth (because she writes the gossip column for the school paper and that’s how the student body gets revenge) and all is well… until Enid Rollins shows up at Elizabeth’s in tears because she has a Terrible Secret and Ronnie will never forgive her if he finds out.

Subplots: The rich Fowlers and the rich Patmans were wanting to buy the school football field for varying reasons and the Wakefields’ dad was building a case against them with his sexy assistant. They thought he was having an affair, but it turns out that attractive people can just work together and be friends. Lame older brother Stephen had a secret girlfriend. He was keeping her a secret because she came from the wrong side of the tracks, but the whole family (except Jessica) welcomed her with open arms, so now they’re cool.

Notes: There was a surprising amount of plots in the air in this one. Not dynamic writing or anything, but a lot going on. I had forgotten what a wretch Jessica was early on. I think Bruce Patman was my first introduction to the fact that you could find someone abhorrent, but still very attractive at least on a physical level. Also, I remember being told what a dreamboat Roger Collins the English teacher was, but as previously discussed, I’m all about that Russo.

And finally: What I hope will become a much-loved Tween-Lit Tuesday tradition, outfit attempts! Many of these books include some delightful outfit descriptions. When that happens, I will try to recreate said outfit with items from my own wardrobe. I decided to bypass Liz's white strapless dress and Jessica's "blue and slinky" number with a "neckline so low Todd will be panting!" in favor of an outfit worn by both twins in this book: "My new tuxedo shirt." "Can I borrow the pants, too? And the little bow tie?" I don't have a tuxedo shirt (more's the pity), but I do have a pretty sweet tie-neck blouse I got in Chicago and some City Thrift pants that are about the right cut. So here you go!

Keep reading and next time I might remember to brush my hair and put on makeup!

And that's our first TLT. So what about next week? You guys want to find out what Enid's big secret is? Or try out a new series? Let me know!