Dear Unfunny People

Dear Unfunny People,

Ahhhh! Some people are already angry about this blog (What are you gonna do, unfunny people? What are you gonna do? Eviscerate me with your razor sharp wit? Go ahead. I won't even require you to form an original thought or use material not previously covered by more talented people. I'll wait.)

Unfunny people, do you realize that nobody who is funny is making fat jokes anymore? That it is as mentally lazy as you accuse fat people of physically being? That being "in your face" and "not afraid to go there" isn't actually all that daring?

I know, I know there are some young comedians out there who are just starting out or just finding their voice or getting overly excited about the intoxicating freedom that is standing behind a microphone in front of people who are expected to listen to them, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to people in their mid-thirties who have been at this for years who still think that it's clever to call fat people "Jabba" (oops). I'm talking to people who are like the Phe Phe character on the "Hotwives" series. Yes, that is correct. There is a show featuring women who actually are funny where they essentially make fun of the kind of person that you might be pretending to be (just being you, just keeping it real, I thought you would want to know).

Here's a story for you: I was on youtube recently and this video popped up featuring this very attractive, fit woman who was obviously ignorant and overprivileged. Not just "I go to the blowout bar every week" privileged, but like "probably going to end up writing really bad jokes for Bravo before ending up on a reality show on that same channel" embarrassing. You could practically smell her gluten allergies. She doesn't actually have gluten allergies, she just read about them in Goop or something and bought a fragrance called "Gluten Sensitivity". This dip actually thought that the airport WASN'T supposed to be unpleasant and that fat-shaming didn't exist. It was kind of amazing to think about comedians that are both mean and funny that don't reach this level of fame despite having better material. It just made me really mad that she got to cut in line (so to speak) by virtue of being pretty and saying cruel things rather than working on improving herself or her material.

Eventually something funny came of it when she seemed to think that her comedy was being "censored" by people who are too PC. That was hilarious.

Here's the thing: funny comedians generally don't get censored even when their comedy is mean. Because they are wise enough to make their comedy clever, insightful, personal or observational. Your rant video is not comedy. Basically, if comedy were music, your message to fat people would not be Buddy Holly. It would be the plane that he, J.P. Richardson and Richie Valens boarded on February 3, 1959. Lazy, unoriginal, boring comedy is killing comedy, not people who rally for a little basic compassion."Fat people are fat" is not groundbreaking news nor anything that makes you reexamine society or the world. I hope that "I hate fat people" isn't the thing that reveals something personal about you, because if that's the case then you should probably just be quiet. But then again, I'm just really selfish and I don't want bad comedy around.

I could go on about lazy comedians, but since this is mainly for the Nicole Arbours of the world, I will say this: You are very pretty, svelte and empirically attractive. That's awesome. You probably work to maintain it and deserve to feel good about yourself. But don't pretend that you worked hard and hit a home run when the truth is that you probably started out on second or third base. Acknowledging that privilege exists and even having it is nothing to be ashamed of, but recognize that you have an advantage. People are already on board to hear what you have to say because of what you look like. You have been given a stronger voice by society, so consider how you actually want to use it. You could work on disproving myths that attractive people can't be funny, you could work on actually finding solutions to the things that bother you, you could even send messages of encouragement into the universe. Right now, the world is watching you even more closely, so try to consider what you do next.

Far be it from me to be presumptuous, but might I suggest not using jokes so lame and overplayed that Family Guy wouldn't have used them five years ago?

-Casey