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| Look at those smug assholes |
What I remember about this from long ago: Jessica gets with Bruce Patman but learns the importance of being careful what you wish for.
What I know now: Eh... just keep reading.
Gentle readers, I have to start with a confession. I don’t get Channing Tatum. I never got Brad Pitt. I can look at them and be like, “Yeah, that’s probably an attractive dude.” I just fail to actually be attracted. But friends… I got Bruce Patman. Bruce Patman, who aside from being a confirmed dicksmack, doesn’t even have a consistent image (although, when I was first exposed to secretly good comedian and parody of male handsomeness James Marsden in the late 90s, I remember thinking “This is Bruce Patman”). Except in this one book. In a way I should thank “Playing With Fire” for giving me perspective when I was beating myself up for having a crush on a fictional schmuck it would cure me right up.
I feel much better. This is Sweet Valley High #3 “Playing With Fire”
We start the story at a dance, by my count, the third of the school year. The Droids are playing, Elizabeth and Todd are in love and Roger Collins is chaperoning because wherever there’s a roomful of hormonal teenagers is a place that Roger Collins wants to be. Bob Russo isn’t at the got dang school dance because Bob Russo has better stuff to do. Jessica and Winston, who she was paired with as fall king and queen or some garbage as revenge for her being a manipulative bitch in the previous book. She begs Elizabeth to throw the dance competition to help her win the affections of Bruce Patman.
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| "I only like winners. Unless they're competing against me." |
At first it looks pretty hopeless for her because Winston is of course clowning and being klutzy rather than dancing well, but then (can it be??) Bruce cuts in and they win the dance contest hands down, sharing a spotlight dance. Emily, drummer for the Droids, tells Elizabeth that they might have just played their last high school gig because a major talent scout now wants to represent them. Bruce chooses Jessica as his date to Ken’s after-dance party (it should be noted that Ken’s date is Lila, so I guess he forgave her for starting rumors that he was statutory raped in the last book).
Swimming in Ken’s lake, Bruce and Jessica exchange some deeply disgusting endearments that make me extra glad that high school is over and then while they are kissing Bruce unties her bikini top. When Jessica scolds him and reties it Bruce accuses her of being “all tease and no tickle” (we'll call that crush-buster #1) so to make it up to him she sneaks off with him to make out. Liz tries to do some standard-issue Elizabeth Wakefield cockblocking and is sent on her way by Jessica.
And on and on with this bullshit. Jessica starts dressing differently “rich and classical”, skipping classes and cheerleading practice and letting Bruce beat her at tennis (his hissy fit about losing is crush-buster #5) all to keep him. Reading this, I was disappointed in Jessica, but more disappointed in Bruce. It’s not that I think he’d make a good boyfriend, it’s just that I thought he’d be a different kind of shitty boyfriend. More neglectful, less clingy and insecure.
There is also this ongoing thing with overweight new girl Robin Wilson who is obsessed with Jessica and Pi Beta Alpha. Jessica is disgusted with Robin and her fat (rightfully so, Francine Pascal clearly believes), but finds opportunities to make her work. Since Jessica is failing Bob Russo’s chemistry class (Russo not having time for her bullshit about love), she gets Robin to steal some test answers rather than go to class and learn something because Bruce says “What about our chemistry?” Let’s put that down as crush-buster #9.
Also suffering in my boy Russo’s class is Emily. Why? Because Guy Chesney, the Droids’ keyboard player has turned into a slave driver because music is really important to him and he’s also getting more and more pissed that the agent is mainly communicating with Dana, the hot singer and keeps booking them at crappy dives that Guy then promotes as the coolest shows ever (I have never related more to a SVH character. For reals.). Jessica involves Emily in her cheating scheme, giving Emily the answer key so that SHE can in turn copy off of Emily. What did Emily do to deserve this? Well, she is brunette, so…
Elizabeth is increasingly concerned about Jessica’s personality transplant and can’t stand Bruce Patman. Even more alarming is the fact that he keeps breaking dates with Jessica and sending her spiraling into a deep depression. Bruce needs to start a cult. Usually that kind of brainwashing and conditioning takes at least a few months if not years. But Jess is sure that a super romantic, intimate birthday dinner will smooth things over between them. But Bruce is planning a massive blowout of a party for himself, oops, I mean for Jessica. Only halfway through the party he gets bad news about his grandmother whose health issues have been causing him to blow Jessica off. Elizabeth, smelling a rat, offers to take Jessica home so that Bruce can go straight to the hospital. Then she pretends to have forgotten something at the restaurant and has Todd turn around and go back. Sure enough. Ol’ 1Bruce1 (Patman’s black Porsche’s license plate, which, doesn’t that just tell you everything you’d need to know before dating this jag?) is still in the parking lot. And Bruce is inside at his party with a gorgeous redhead. Initially when I read this as an adult I mentioned to my sister that “Jessica did Anastasia Steele better than Anastasia Steele does” because she got out of her abusive relationship by throwing a drink and some pizza in his face, but upon re-reading, I realized that the manipulation and controlling behavior wasn’t what made her want out, it was just that he was controlling other girls, too. Oh well. She lets the air out of his tires on the way out and asks Winston Egbert to drive her home. The Wakefields pretty much only ever trot Winston out if they’re getting back at Bruce Patman.
What else? The Droids manager was actually just a skeevy dude trying to get into Dana’s “eye-catching red jumpsuit”. Emily comes clean to Russo and begs for forgiveness to which he’s like “Who the fuck do you think I am? Roger Collins?” and flunks that test, but does offer the option of extra credit work because he is stern, but just. Emily does not, however, rat out Jessica because heaven forbid that she ever be held accountable for her actions.
Subplots: This is the first time we touch on the idea that Guy is a little more passionate about music than his bandmates, but since I think it pretty much goes away after this book, it's not worth mentioning. Much like his "unrequited feelings for Dana". Robin and her obsession with getting into the most exclusive HIGH SCHOOL SORORITY is obviously the buildup leading to our next book.
Notes: I feel gross for even writing this because everyone should be their own person and shouldn't be controlled by who they are dating, but who the hell would want the old Jessica back? She is awful at being a person. So is Bruce, but maybe they should just go be on their own awful planet together. At least Lila got out of her relationship with Bruce because "She likes her independence too much."
Outfits: I thought about trying to figure out how to jury-rig Dana and Emily's red jumpsuits for their first non-high school gig, though the other Droids' "alluring tough guy" outfits were also tempting, but ultimately I settled on Jessica's "bright blue minidress with matching tights". Jeez. Jeeeeez, you guys. I hope you appreciate that I love y'all and love blogging and I hope this makes up for the long gap between entries.
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| I look like an off-duty porn star. The 80s were a dark time for fashion, guys. |
